Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Love Dare Day 6

Day 6: Love is not irritable.
Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

I've taken "making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule" to mean that I need to look at what I can do in my life to make more time for me and my family. 

1. I need to be more serious about Flying so I will have more time for me and for my family. (stress)
2. I need to get Family Rules completely set up so there can be more peace in our home.(stress)
3. I need to wake at a reasonable time on a more regular basis so I will have more time to do the needed things in my home and have time to play. And most importantly to make my husband happy. (selfishness)
4. I need to make time each day to be with my husband.  To just be us. (selfishness)

As far as wrong motivations...
Bitterness and perfectionism are my big ones.  Actually most of the time my perfectionism leads to my bitterness.  I hate that I am this way.  And I want to change.  So, what do you do to change this?  FlyLady.  She will help me let go of my perfectionism and therefore much of my bitterness.  A bit at a time.  Just like the love dare.  So really- My list of four things will help me all around.  The first two will help to bring the stress level in the house down.  The last two will help me show my husband that I know it's not all about me. 

As far as the first part of todays dare- yes I completed it.  There was a big blow-up with my husband and son over celery.  Particularly the ants on a log variety.  I won't get into the nitty gritty of it all as I feel it was a ridiculous thing for either of them to get upset about.  But I will tell you the end result.

My husband asked if the love dare could be used on other family members besides your spouse.  I kid you not.  And the creepy thing is- I had been talking to my bff about that posibility earlier today.  Scary.  While you obviously can't follow it to a T with anyone other than your spouse I'm sure you could change just a few of the dares to fit with a child, a parent, a sibling, etc.

So I told him as much and then suggested the possibility of me going through the book to find and change the dares that need to be changed to reflect a parent-child relationship.

What could have resulted in the whole house screaming became a point where we may have found a solution.  What do you all think of changing the love dare to work on other relationships?
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Monday, October 19, 2009

Day 3, 4 &5

Wow.  i think i slacked on blogging.  LOL

Anyhow- to update the love dare

Day 3: Love is not selfish
Buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you, today."

Well, I did but I didn't.  I tried really hard.  Thought about it all day.  What would he really love to get? What does he really need?  I couldn't think of anything...  Then when I announced that I was going to the store to get razors he asked me to pick some up for him, too.  I got to the store and took forever to decide whether or not he preferred the power razors.  Decided he did and then when getting to the car I felt I had cheated him out of Day 3.  So off to another store I went to buy the last piece of his anniversary present.  I get that home and realize I got the wrong thing.  urgh!  Try again Amanda.  So did I complete day 3 or not?

Day 4: Love is thoughtful
Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day.  Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

Day 4 was really easy but I put an extra spin on it.  Contact him during the day just because?  I do that fairly often anyway.  So I added asking if he needed any particular laundry done.  Uniforms...  yes he says he needs uniforms washed.  Easy enough.  And later I redeemed myself for Day 3 at the craft fair.  I was supposed to only pick up useful things.  Nothing that is 'just decorative'.  But then I saw a sign that said, "Faith Will See Us Through".  Very fitting with the love dare.  So I agonized over it...  For a good long time.  Finally I asked my bff how I could justify purchasing it.  To which she says, "Call it an anniversary gift for the both of you and explain that it's a reminder of the love dare" (or something to that effect).  BINGO!  And he loved it.  (Or he seemed to) It's hanging above the tv, directly accross from the couch.  This way we are guaranteed to see it each day.

Day 5: Love is not rude
Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you.  You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior.  This is from their perspective only.

This one I kind of cheated on.  But didn't.  I wrote him a quick note asking him to list three things that irritate him about me.  When he finished writing I read them.  Then I sat there with him and thought about the things he wrote.  Inside I was screaming, "But this!  But that!"  But I refused to say any of it.  His feelings are his feelings.  I need to respect that.  And these are things I should work on.  Because they are bothering the one I love.

I wonder if he'll do the dare on me???
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Saturday, October 17, 2009

Day 2: Love is Kind... completed???

So, dh and I watched fireproof with my bff and her husband.  We all teared up or cried.  Dh says he didn't but I think that's only cuz there was another guy in the room. He's normally one to get teary-eyed at movies.

During the movie my bff told her dh that I was doing the love dare with my dh.  I hadn't told him.  oops.

So the movie was done and my bff said she was going to get the book and do the love dare with her dh.  Wow.  I really thought they'd see the movie and say, "yeah, sure.  might work for others but not for us"  I'm proud of her.

We got home and dh and I were talking about Fireproof and the love dare and he pipes up, "so what day are you on?"  And I had to tell him how long it took me to get through day one.  He laughed.  I laughed, too, but was somewhat hurt.  I fought hard to get through day one.  And then I realized I might not accomplish day two.  I still had no idea what I was going to do for the "unexpected gesture".

He must have seen me think it because he followed it with, "You've already completed day 2."

What???  How???

"When I woke you up this morning and said your coffee was ready you came right down."

That was 10:00am.  I *SHOULD* be up much earlier than that on a regular basis.  But I struggle with it.  Sometimes it's depression.  Other times is insomnia from the previous night.  But there are too many times where there is no reason.  Me getting out of bed the first time he asks at 10:00am should not be an "unexpected gesture". It should be expected that I get out of bed at a reasonasble hour.  Period.  I've been working on this for some time now.  I need to work harder at it.  But I don't know what a good end goal is.  Baby Steps...  It will take time.  But it will happen.  I won't always be perfect about it.  But there will be progress.

So, Day 2 down.  Can I make it through day 3?  And tonight I'm not scared about day 3 (buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today"), I'm sad about day 2.  Something I should have been doing...  *shakes head*  I guess it really is the little things.

And now I should get to bed.  So I can hopefully get up at a reasonable hour.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day 2 the (groggy and nodding off in front of the computer) night before

Day 2 of The Love Dare: The Night Before

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

—Ephesians 4:32


In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.


It sounds easy.  So it's probably easy, right???  WRONG. So not easy.  I am at a loss.  It can't cost money as we are pinching pennies right now.  oh!  I know...  I'll shave my legs.  I generally don't shave.  I despise it.  It's just not for me.  But on occasion I treat dh as he "misses shaved legs".  But it should be something more.  I was supposed to shave on Saturday anyway as we are celebrating our anniversary a week early.  Crud.  I'm back at blank.  I could do this dare easily...  I know I could.  If only I knew what it was.  Any ideas?

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So, this morning was great.  One hour of time with dh before he went to work and I said/did not one negative thing.  Small gain, yes.  But it was a big one for me. :) 

Then around three or so I realized dh would be home soon.  And wow.  I was so worried about messing up and having to do "Day 1- take 5" that I was near tears.  I called out to my girls on twitter and was met with the most enlightening tweet ever.  (In my experience, anyway)

Krista of Typical Ramblings had this to say:

Day one doesn't have to be perfect. Mine wasn't - but it makes you aware of what you need to work on. And day one is cumulative for the 40 days so you get lots more chances to practice.

I can't thank her enough for reminding me that this is a matter of baby steps.  One day at a time.  Progress- Not perfection. 

And then dh came home....




Just kidding!  Actually the rest of the day went well.  I asked if he would be ok watching kids while I went to Staples with my bff and he did.  I came home later than either one of us expected me to.  oops...  And when I apologized I meant it.  And he said it was ok???  Who is this man and what has he done with my husband?  Whoever he is- I like him.

Twice today I thought I might say something negative but I took a deep breath and made sure I was calm before I said anything. 

Do I think I'm cured of saying negative things?  No.  Do I think I could say fewer negative things than I have been?  Heck yeah!  And I will need to work at it every day for some time.  But that's ok.  Progress.  Not perfection.  Thanksagain, Krista!

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Day 1 of The Love Dare: The Night Before

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

—Ephesians 4:2 NIV


The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret.


Well, let's see...  Everyone else I know online that is doing the love dare is looking at Day 4.  Why am I on day 1?  Because I screwed up royally for the past three days.  Today was the worst.  Dh and I went grocery shopping with the kids.  Ds decided he wanted to argue to get what he wanted.  Dh says he "can't just ignore him".  Ugh.  So the two of them argue back and forth through two different grocery stores.  When we left I lost it and sassed them both for behaving worse than my 4yo.  I was so embarrassed by their behavior that I felt justified in my negative attitude.  Was I right or wrong?  It doesn't matter.  What's done is done.  I've learned from it and so we move on.  Good thing I don't have to take them with me to grocery shop tomorrow. LOL

I know this first dare is going to be hard.  Very. VERY. HARD!  I've always had a hard time seeing the silver lining this time of year.  And to not point out that his breath smells like he ate a live skunk???  How will I manage?  I suppose I could say, "My teeth feel fuzzy after that soda, hun.  Let's go brush our teeth together."  But if he refuses?  Maybe I should buy some tomato juice....

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The Love Dare

I've been married for almost one year.  Actually it will be a year on the 25th.  And the 26th is our dating anniversary.  :)  I love my husband with all my heart.  And he loves me with all of his.

But we have a hell of a time showing it.  The thought of divorce has entered my mind more than once.  After less than a year of marriage- that's not a good sign.  I've been reading about ways to save my marriage and many things make sense.  But they seemed to be missing something (I wasn't quite sure what) and they all seemed to want you to "do it all- today".

That is, until I happened to notice some people I'm following on twitter talking about having blogged about "Day __ of the Love Dare".  I was curious (as is human nature) so I checked it out.

I was floored.  Not only did The Love Dare have you do just one new thing each day, similar to FlyLadys baby steps, it also had that missing piece.  The piece that's been missing from my life for way too long.  Faith in God. 

Faith in ANY God has been nearly non-existent in my life for a few years now.   Don't give me grief or preach at me.  My struggle with my faith is my own.  You can't make me believe.  Only I can do that. 

Faith is knowing that air is all around you even when there isn't the slightest hint of a breeze.  You can't see it.  You can't hear it.  You can't taste it.   You can't smell it.  You can't feel it.  But you have faith that air is around you.  I have a hard time with faith.  But I'm learning that faith is a lot like love.  It is intangible.  When you have it- you just know it to be true. 

So, after reading about this love dare thing I've decided I shall give it a go.  I even recommended it to my bff.  I think I may need to give her one of my bibles so she can do it all, but it is worth it.

Actually, I've been trying to get through Day 1 for a few days now.  It's hard.  Damn hard!! I can't believe how negative I am towards my husband.  But tomorrow is a new day.  er... well...  Today I guess, as it is 12:36 am.  And I will work hard to make it through the day with zero negative comments.  And what if I'm close but still made a couple of negative comments?  Progress, dears.  Not perfection. 

Also, I'm hoping to rent the movie Fireproof on Friday.  My bff and I are going to try to double date to watch it.  Either that or dh and I will watch it Friday and I'll send it her way for Saturday.   I hope that this 40 day love dare will help us through the flood and help us start anew.

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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Making Life Better

So last night I decided on something.  I have decided that I need to get my life back on track.  I decided this very thing many other times but this time I'm hoping it sticks.  This time I'll use this blog to make me accountable.  I figure between FlyLady, The Love Dare, Menu Plan Monday, Works For Me Wednesday, and Soups on Saturday I may be able to get things going better in my life and the lives of those around me. 

To start- Yesterday was Day One of The Love Dare and today is Day Two. So, today I will make a conscious effort to avoid saying anything negative.  Sounds simple, right?  MUAHAHAHAHAHA!  Why don't you take a day and make a hole in your shirt each time you say even the smallest thing in a negative tone.  I'll bet you wouldn't dare for fear of being shirtless at the end of the day. And of course I need to think of one unexpected thing to do for my hunny.  But what?

I've got my Menu planned out from tomorrow on...  But I'm not sure what we're doing tonight.  Maybe pizza or something simple like that.  Hmmm...  Mini pizzas?  I guess we'll have to figure that out soon.  After all it is already after one o'clock.
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